Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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