wakey wakey hands off snakey
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
