Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
