You just made me feel so damn special
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
