I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
