Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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