M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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