meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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