the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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