I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
