you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
