Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
