Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
