I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
