The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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