Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
