tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
