Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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