R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
