i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
