i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
