Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We got so high we made milksteak
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
