my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
