so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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