$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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