good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i wish my penis had a tongue
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
