my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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