I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I didn't notice because vodka
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
