I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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