I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
