Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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