I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
