I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
