You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
