We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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