Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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