just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
