I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
