he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
