Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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