I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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