She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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