8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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