Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
