just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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