I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
