just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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