She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize