the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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