Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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