Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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