So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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