dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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