just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
