plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
