i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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