my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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