I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
