im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We got so high we made milksteak
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
