The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
