Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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